Inner Child
by TallerThanThou ShorterThanThou
Summary: Yachiru is bored. And what does Yachiru do when she's bored? She bugs the closest person in vicinity, and that unfortunate person happens to be Hitsugaya. What he doesn't know is that if you feed the rabid dog, it will keep coming back.
1. Nuisance

Nuisance. That was what she was. A huge migraine in the shape of an overly hyper five year old with pink hair. The devil incarnate.

At least that was what he thought now, as he glumly stared at the ever growing pile of paperwork in front of him. If only that idiot hadn't gone and burnt down the whole left wing of his division (thank Gami no one was injured) he wouldn't be completing the meticulous task of filling papers for replacement. That little nuisance with horrible pink hair…

"Yay! Now the bimbo's gone away, Yachiru and Snowball can play!" Speaking of the devil. But there was something wrong. Did the equivalent of a five year old just say 'bimbo'? Not that it wasn't completely inaccurate in referring to Matsumoto; the woman did seem to be air headed at times-but still…a five year old saying the word 'bimbo'? He had a strong urge to laugh and another to beat some sense into Zaraki. The nerve of him, teaching a five year old how to swear. Then there was the matter of driving the little nuisance away. Toshiro sighed heavily. One more job on his to do list.

"Lieutenant Kusajishi, you will return to your squad immediately and refrain from making uncouth remarks," he said, trying the diplomatic approach. Yachiru continued to stare at him.

"But I wanna play with snowball!" she wined. Toshiro twitched. He had to use all his self control at not going Bankai on the little girl. What was he supposed to do? Well, he could always shove her in a sack and carry her back, a voice in his head answered, sounding mysteriously like Matsumoto. Twitch. How was he supposed to get her in there? You could always force feed her sake, the voice that sounded like Matsumoto replied, winking at him. As if her drunken presence in his life wasn't enough, the damned woman had to invade his mind. Somewhere in his inner world, Hyorinmaru laughed. Having an annoyingly powerful ice dragon for Zanpakuto did not help either, especially when said stupid ice dragon was prone to laughing at him. The little tortures of afterlife. Once again forcing himself not to wander off task, he thought of the perfect plan to get Yachiru back to her own Division-and completely chew off his dignity.

The proposal? Tag, you're it. With that in mind, Hitsugaya Toshiro shunpoed narrowly avoiding the pink ball of death. Then, his life got even better.

"Ken-Chan! Snowball played with me! Do you think Snowball wants to play with you?" Yachiru sang. 'Snowball' twitched. Playing in Zaraki's vocabulary was the equivalent of a duel to the death. The man himself skeptically gave the short Captain a once over.

"As if he could even slice off a chunk of my hair!" he growled. And that was how Hitsugaya Toshiro, otherwise known as 'Snowball' got stuck in a duel to the death with Zaraki Kenpachi, the most violent bastard the world has ever known. Please, if anyone feels that something is off, do not hesitate to review.

The opponent was short, and limber. Hard to cut. That didn't matter to him, for he was the great Kenpachi, the strongest in history. No one would ever defeat him, much less the child prodigy. And that was how, dear friends, he got careless. He actually let the tenth Division Captain almost decapitate him with that long chain he swung around. Le Gasp. The apocalypse. It was then that Hitsugaya's fate was decided, Zaraki was never letting a golden sparring partner like this go.

And it was all because of that nuisance…

A/N: Yes people! This is a Yachiru/Hitsugaya! Eventually anyways, when both are older. Right now, however, the unfortunate Shiro is stuck fighting the most bloody Taicho out there and not playing tonsil hokey with Yachiru. I bet you didn't see that coming. Once again, we remind you that this will not be normal Shiro/Yachiru; there are no time skips, and Toshiro doesn't magically get tall, and hot, and Yachiru doesn't exactly get a Rangiku style body either. So are we clear?

Parody Thingy:

The sword was jagged with misuse, perfect for the purpose. Slicing a midget up. The midget in question, however, had proved his worth when he dodged nearly all his attacks and blocked the rest. But he could tell the midget was tiring. Soon, he would be dumplings served on a golden platter.

Hitsugaya: GAHH! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PSYCHOPATH! WHOEVER'S CAUSING THIS WILL DIE! DIE DAMMIT DIE!

Pie: *looks around lazily* Want more popcorn Pixie?

Demon-Pixie: Why not?

Hitsugaya: *twitch* Bankai Daiguren Hyorinmaru!

Demon-Pixie: I think we may have gone a little far this time Pie…

Pie: To hell with it! There's a good fight here, and I'm gonna use it! Bankai Akane Ayumu!

*Insert battle scene where Pie almost kills Hitsugaya*

Hitsugaya: That's another crazy bastard that wants to kill me…

Pie: *twitch* What was that? Get back here you aardwolf so I can kick ass!

Demon-Pixie: *too used to it to be bothered* Where was that popcorn again?


	2. Escape?

Yachiru was described as many things, but smart was often not included. That was when poor Hitsugaya received the shock of his life.

He tried hard to remain silent, concealing his Reiastu with expertise in the smelly trashcan, trying hard not to be detected by the battle driven maniac. Yet somehow, his daughter figure still managed to find him. The little girl with pink hair stared at him with a completely serious expression on her. If that wasn't scary, he didn't know what else was. Trying hard not to bemoan his fate, he turned to face death head on. Instead, he was offered a deal with the devil herself.

"If Snowball plays with Yachiru, then Yachiru will not tell Ken-Chan where you are," Yachiru said. Hitsugaya fumed. So this whole thing was a set up. He, the prodigy, youngest ever to achieve Bankai, the reincarnate of the heavenly guardian, master of the strongest ice type Zanpakuto, had been outwitted by a small _child_ with the physical age of a five year old and the mental age of a three year old on crack.

"Snowball is funny when she's mad~!" Yachiru sang. Twitch. He was far too used to Matsumoto's stupid comments to show much reaction to anything similar coming from even a brain damaged idiot with the memory of a goldfish with amnesia. However, somewhat of an explosion was caused by the little comment quite possibly suggesting that he was really from the opposite gender. A red haze set in.

Blink. Where the hell was he? A few fuzzy images flitted about his brain, something with a pink haired baboon and unleashing his Bankai upon the already damaged left wing of his division…HOLY SHIT! He just totally screwed up the already screwed up reconstruction of the left wing. Damn. Requesting more funds was in order… (Have you realized he didn't care that he probably slaughtered Yachiru and probably brought the wrath of the most bloodthirsty Captain on himself?)

"Yay! Ken-Chan, Snowball made ice statues for me!" Yachiru shouted. Hitsugaya choked. How could anyone survive…?

"Really?" Kenpachi himself showed up, reminding the white haired Captain of the deal that Yachiru had offered. While it might be slightly better than ending up as mashed potatoes, it certainly did not sound appealing to be near that demon for more than five seconds. And certainly not while she would constantly be bugging him to play her childish games.

Slight movement to his right side caught the prodigy's eye. Kenpachi was readying himself to take off the eye patch. Oh, to hell with it. _Anything_ would be better than having to deal with that battle crazed bastard all over again.

Seeming to have sensed his decision on her own, Yachiru turned to 'Ken-Chan'.

"Ken-Chan, do you think Byakushi wants to play with you today?" she asked.

"He better!" Kenpachi shouted as he sped towards the Kuchiki Manor, leaping over roofs and waving his sword wildly about, decapitating several and disemboweling a few. Yachiru watched him go. Just when Hitsugaya had been hoping that she'd forgot about the whole 'play with Yachiru so she'd get Kenpachi off his back' thing, she turned and pulled out her sword.

Now, any other normal five year old holding a sword would not particularly strike fear into the beholder's hearts but this was the pink haired wonder we were talking about.

"Let's play the Killing Game!" Twitch. Just when he thought he escaped from a free ticket to see Unohana, he was offered a free ticket to stay for five weeks. Want to know why? Though Yachiru had an impressive Reiastu, her powers were undoubtedly immature, so Hitsugaya would have no trouble making putty of her. All's good then right? No. If he killed Yachiru or even sawed off one of her hairs, Kenpachi would personally pulverize him and throw him off a cliff all the while laughing with a bowl of extra buttery popcorn. Sensing his reluctance, Yachiru charged.

A/N: CLIFFIE! Yay! Once again, we remind you that this does not have time skip, miraculously discovering feelings, or anything of that nature. Everything happens naturally and not because some random authors willed it. And no, it's not exactly a fairy tale ending either but we assure you it would be hilarious.

Parody Thingy:

Hitsugaya: The nerve of these people, always putting me in life or death situation…*blanches*

Demon-Pixie: *smiling creepily* The nerve of which people?

Hitsugaya: Oh, um the nerve of…Aizen. Yeah, that's what I meant. *sweating*

Demon-Pixie: *still smiling* Do you want to talk about it?

Hitsugaya: NO! I mean…

Demon-Pixie: Wow, those people must scare you a lot…

Pie: BOO!

Hitsugaya: !

Pie: You still owe me a fight~

Hitsugaya has vanished. If you find him, please let Pie know. Thank you and review.


	3. Hola Unohana

"And you are here because that particular child that you agreed to play with had a powerful, bloodthirsty father figure that beat you up?"

"Well, let's think for a minute here…oh yeah, not everyone here is a bloodthirsty maniac that totally disregards Seireitei laws!" Hitsugaya snapped. The bandage on his wrist pulled taunt, almost crushing his radius. Before him, Unohana opened her eyes, still smiling. He should have known not to insult her _friend_.

"You will stay here for four weeks," Unohana said, still smiling creepily. Hitsugaya sighed. It could be worse. Really, what permanent damage could that no good Lieutenant of his do in four weeks? Apparently, he was one of the slow learners. Besides, Unohana had the best candy. Looking around suspiciously, he popped a watermelon flavored into his mouth. Enjoy the moment of peace, he told himself. It wouldn't last for more than five minutes.

"Eh? SHIRO-CHAN LIKES CANDY!" Yachiru sang. Or five seconds, he thought bitterly. Within a second, all of the candy in the room-_his_ candy had disappeared down the pink haired wonder's throat. A vein popped.

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM KUSAJISHI YACHIRU!" was heard everywhere.

The strawberry with an oversized sword looked up.

"…poor Toshiro," he muttered as he decapitated another Chappy. He needed to make the most of his time, when his Chappy obsessed _friend_ wasn't home.

"DIE STRAWBERRY!" a purple eyed midget yelled.

Let's go back to dear Shiro-Chan, shall we?

Hitsugaya kept twitching, rocking violently back and forth on the thin hospital bed. Until he fell off in hysterics. And he chest turned into a human fountain. Yachiru looked on unfazed with a bowl of popcorn as Unohana suffocated…bandaged it with too tight gauze. Yeah, things were normal.

A/N: Don't you just love 'em short chapters? We're sorry for not updating for a while now, 'cause we got in trouble for cart racing down Walmart (you know, when you push a cart down the aisle and then eventually hop on) and crashing. Pie and Demon-Pixie both have many bruises. So anyways, three more month to go until we're free. Right now, we have to sneak around a bit.

-But anyways, that was amazingly stupid and fun at the same time. Let's do it again!

Oncoming One-shot Song fic: The Best Damn Thing

Rukia was giddy; an emotion that the short master of Sode no Shirayuki did not often feel. And nervous. To curl her hair or to straighten it, or to braid it? The options were endless. This shirt or that shirt? A dress or a skirt? Hell, that Strawberry had better make this good; she was not going to take spending two hours over her appearance well if he messed up in any way.

Thus, dear readers began the horrible, bad, no good, date of Strawberry Shortcake. Just keep reading and prepare yourselves for hell.

End Preview

Parody Thingy:

Hitsugaya: *wipes sweat and looks around* I don't think the demons are here today…

Pie: Think again, Snowball! You still owe me a fight! *grins maniacally*

Demon-Pixie: Yay! More entertainment!

Hitsugaya:…*Shunpos away being chased by Pie*


	4. Promises are Overated

Hitsugaya Toshiro had never thought that one day; he would be shirking from a promise-something he had made up his mind never to do once he saw what Aizen had done to his childhood friend. That rule of his, however, did not appear to extend to Yachiru, otherwise known as the pink haired wonder. He found himself stripped of all former dignity, of which was a dismally small quantity in the first place. Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro, ice prodigy, wielder of the most powerful ice Zanpakuto, the Heavenly Guardian, had been reduced to hiding in a particularly large container of sake, of which belonged to Matsumoto. The worst part wasn't that there still remained some of the repulsive smell despite the sake being long gone; it was that he was reduced to crouching in that jar by a small, pink haired child. Resisting the urge to throw a tantrum was rather hard, but he knew that the pink haired wonder would find him if he raised his Reiastu by as much as an inch. Silently, he fumed. Or was it because he ever _charming_ Lieutenant found it amusing to poke her head in the jar once in a while to 'check up on him'?

"How's it going for Taicho?" Matsumoto sang as she munched on some of Orihime's 'yummy cooking'. Hitsugaya grumbled like an old man told that his fake teeth were getting moldy. Taking that as a 'not so well, I feel really cramped up', Matsumoto almost felt bad for her cute little Taicho. Until she realized what an opportunity this was.

"Hey, Taicho, I'm gonna go drinking with some of my friends," she started. Almost immediately, Hitsugaya's Reiastu spiked with his anger.

"Now, now," she said, shaking her finger like a caring mother, "you wouldn't want Yachiru to find you, would you?"

Poor Hitsugaya. He knew she had him trapped. If he forbids her from going, she'd make such a big ruckus that Yachiru would find out and be on him like a bloodhound to…blood. Besides, the whole point of hiding in the container was to hide from the devil incarnate. As if sensing that she was now safe, Matsumoto skipped out of her house, but not without locking the cupboard the sake container was sitting in.

Twitch. He knew that he could not blast his way out of there without drawing the devil's attention (not to mention that Zaraki had dubbed him 'sparring partner'). For now, he was stuck until Matsumoto got home. Unfortunately, sometimes, she didn't get home from drinking because she passed out on the table. When she actually got home, she needed to sleep off her hangover before she could actually have any coherent thoughts. Afterwards, she'd need at least a day to remember that he was still in the oversized container. Hitsugaya timed that to be about 49 more hours. Seriously, it wasn't so bad. All he had to do was sit quietly in the sake container like a good little kid until Matsumoto remembered that he was still locked up in there.

He woke up to a stiff back and an aching neck, probably where he had leaned against the container in an attempt to rest. Somehow, he had dozed off. His stomach growled loudly.

"Damn that woman," he cursed. Hitsugaya had totally neglected the possibility that he would be starving before 49 hours were over. Then, a very, very, bad thing happened. He needed to pee. Hell knows he was not about to pee in some cramped container. That's it, he thought. Who cared if Yachiru was going to find him? Another second in that blasted stone pottery and he would explode. So thinking, he easily sliced his way out, making a beeline for the bathroom.

As you may know, seeing your worst nightmare just as you are preparing to inject urine into a toilet is somewhat nerve wracking. Sadly, that was exactly what happened to Hitsugaya. Screaming about stupid pink hair, he shunpoed out at top speed, actually making it to his office before crashing into a tree and blacking out. He knew that bonsai tree was cursed.

A/N: Hola! We're back! Hope you enjoyed!

Parody Thingy:

Pie: *typing* Hitsugaya tripped over a bug.

Hitsugaya: *trips over a bug*

Demon-Pixie: LOL! I wanna try! *typing* Hitsugaya suddenly grew five feet.

Hitsugaya: *grows five feet*

Pie: *snorts*

Hitsugaya: Will you idiots quit messing around?

Pie: What was that?

Demon-Pixie: I think he just called us idiots. Let's show him not to mess with us! *typing* Hitsugaya agreed to a fight to the death with Pie.

Hitsugaya: DAMN YOU ALL! *releases Bankai and attempts to kill Pie*

Pie: *releases Bankai and blocks effort* Sucker. You should have known not to use Caps Lock. It wastes space.

Demon-Pixie: *reads off list of rules* And now, according to rule number thirty, we must kill you.

Hitsugaya:…shit. Wait. Rule thirty? You mean there's others? AIYEEEE! *runs away*


	5. Strawberry

Needless to say, Hitsugaya was not pleased when he woke up in a puddle of mysterious yellow liquid. Only giving him enough time to change and take a quick shower, Yachiru set on him again and dragged him to the real world to find 'Ichi'. Oh hell. The last thing he needed was to have that ignorant human see his demise. But what else could he do? If he upset the stupid pink haired brat in any way, she would set Kenpachi on him. Without the eye patch. The two of them made quite the odd couple, a pink haired child and a white haired prodigy.

Just as he was about to knock on the berry head's door like any decent civilized dead soul, Yachiru seized one of the many tufts of hair on his head and dragged him with her as she climbed up to the window. Hitsugaya found it hard not to kill Yachiru. His hair, his one prized possession, his best quality, the white fluff that defied gravity and made fan girls die was being pulled by some random kid from the 11th. Except that random kid happened to be under Kenpachi's protection. Which meant that if that random kid was missing one hair (he had no doubt that the bell wearing man counted), whoever had the misfortune to pluck it was in one hundred mile deep shit. With that in mind, he refrained from going Bankai and blowing up the strawberry's house. Reluctantly drawing his twitching hand away from Hyorinmaru, he leapt after Yachiru into Ichigo's room.

"WHAT?" Despite himself, Hitsugaya smirked. He got the same reaction every time. A deeply disturbed Rukia crept out of the closet, her hair in a birds nest.

"Some people actually like getting some sleep," she whined before crawling back into the closet. Light snoring was heard one second later. Freaked out, Strawberry glanced at his watch. Five PM. Twitch. His thoughts, however, were interrupted as Hitsugaya started snorting. Then, the snorting turned into deranged cackles, and Ichigo decided he should worry.

"BWHAHAHAHAHA!" Hitsugaya screamed. Yes! Victory for the Captain of the Tenth! He was not the only one out there pray to innocent looking children (forgetting the fact that Rukia was taller)! The room started spinning, and he soon realized that he was about to faint from laughing too long. Not paying attention to the warning, he kept laughing anyways.

Something poked him. The poker prodded at his eyelids, trying to lift them and instead yanked out a good few lashes.

"GWAHHH!" the occupant of the couch leapt up, blinking madly. Recovering rather quickly from the temporary time spent out cold, Hitsugaya realized that he had gone insane. Was it even possible to faint from laughing too long? Occupied as he was by his thoughts about his quickly diminishing sanity, he didn't notice that Yachiru was still there.

"Does Snowball want to go back now?" Before he could stop himself, he shook his head, sealing his fate. Or was it a stroke of genius because it was easier to hide his Reiastu here? He didn't know. Whatever it was, it had a good side…and a nightmare side.

Perhaps nightmare was better. It was dinner at the Kurosaki's, and it was absolutely horrid. First, a man that he didn't know came in, took one look at him and Yachiru and sprouted some lie about Ichigo marrying Yachiru and having him. Grimacing at the mental image, he looked over at the pink haired wonder to check if she had suddenly grown up. When he saw that she hadn't, Kurosaki Isshin became to proud owner of a pair of black eyes. To his horror, the remainder of the Kurosaki family stood and watched with mild amusement as if…if this was commonplace! Just what circus did they come from anyways?

Then, that girl, what's her name; Karin had challenged him to a game of soccer. He won of course. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of it. Karin wouldn't stop bothering him until he had joined her team and taught her some of his tricks. And that Hat N' Clogs guy! The nerve of the little bastard! The Gigai that he had sold them was defective meaning that they were stuck. Damn! Damn, damnity, damn, damn! The world was out to get him.

A/N: LOL. We had so much fun writing this. Poor Hitsugaya…

Parody Thingy:

Yachiru: Snowball, can we go eat candy?

Hitsugaya: No, you demonic, little, devil.

Yachiru: *fake cries*

Demon-Pixie: What did you do Whitey?

Pie: *shakes finger*

Hitsugaya: GWAHAHDKLELELE!

Pie: *looks awkwardly at Pixie* He's lost it.

Demon-Pixie: Hey look! He still has that one part of his hair missing from when you fought him!

Hitsugaya: LELELKEALA!

Pie: *stares blankly* Popcorn please.


	6. 20 Questions

It was the second day of staying in the human world, and Hitsugaya was already hating it. First, the pink haired devil pulled out about 1/8 of his bangs. Then, he received an extremely irritated report from Yamamoto. Matsumoto had spent Tenth Division's entire budget and was demanding more. Hyorinmaru laughed at his misery, and Ichigo and Rukia took great joy in playing tonsil hockey in front of him. His poor 167 year old mind was ruined. Ruined! So young…

"Shiro-Chan! Let's play 20 questions!" Yachiru yelled. Without even waiting for Hitsugaya to respond, she launched off. The sad part was Hitsugaya knew he had to answer them, or else he had hell to pay.

"What's your favorite color?"

"White," Hitsugaya answered automatically.

"Favorite food?"

"Watermelon."

"Where do babies come from?" Yachiru asked innocently. For no apparent reason, Matsumoto had told her to ask her Taicho that question. At first, there was no response. Then, all of a sudden, Hitsugaya screamed like feral cat and ran away.

"I'll have to ask Big Booby why later," Yachiru said to herself before stepping out of her Gigai (she had requested Urahara to make her a good Gigai and Hitsugaya a bad one). Opening up a Senkai, she glanced back at the screaming form, almost feeling pity. It had been surprisingly fun annoying Hitsugaya. Even more so than annoying Baldy. Maybe, she could tell Ken-Chan to leave him alone.

Let's get back to Hitsugaya. After his fit has subsided, he searched for the pink haired devil. Not finding her anywhere, he panicked. If he lost her, Kenpachi would be sure to eat him with barbeque sauce. Maybe with a side of large, cheesy fries. Intent on staying off the dinner platter, Hitsugaya Shunpoed around, looking very much like an overgrown penguin searching for its favorite fish.

Twelve hours passed and there was still no sign of the pink haired nuisance. Damn, Hitsugaya thought, the little brat was really good at hiding its Reiastu when it wanted to. Still, it's not like he was actually looking for her. Sure, he was terrified of the brat (mostly because Kenpachi was her foster father or whatever), but at least she wasn't Matsumoto. Though it didn't necessarily mean he _liked_ spending time with the pink haired wonder (god(s) forbid). It was more like-Yachiru takes up my time and lets me relax a little instead of some weird whacked up Lieutenant you always had to be careful not to say anything with the remotest second meaning around. Wearily, he glanced at his watch. He was tired, and he might as well give up. Damn brat. Grumbling, he shook out a chocolate (OMG!) from the bag he has somehow managed to hide in his sleeves. Making a mental note to thank Ukitake for teaching that trick to him, he popped it in his mouth and promptly fell asleep on a tree.

A/N: Who knew it would be so fun to torture Hitsugaya? Demon-Pixie got strep! Eek, who knew I'd be so contagious even after that mahy thing went bye-bye? So anyways, I got hyper off of cough drops. Don't ask how. They were raspberry flavored. Yum!

Pie: Shiro-Chan~! *glomps*

Hitsugaya: Leave me alone.

Pie: *with fake tears in her eyes* Y-you're breaking up with me?

Hitsugaya: *looks highly unsettled* We weren't even together to begin with, you lunatic!

Pie: *rubs sleeve against eyes with onion in it* B-but I-I thought we were special!

Hitsugaya: *desperate* Okay! God(s)! I'm not breaking up with you! *awkwardly pats Pie's back*

Pie: *smirks evilly and grabs Hitsugaya's hand and bends it backwards in a way hands shouldn't bend* you're so gullible.

Hitsugaya: *looks oddly at broken hand* Uh, are hands supposed to bend that way? (Pie faking it hasn't sunk in yet)

Pie: I hope not. *looks back up at typed scene* Let's substitute me for Yachiru!

Yachiru: Shiro-Chan~! *glomps*

*insert scene all over again with Yachiru 'cause The Eville Pie's too lazy to type it*

Hitsugaya: *faints*

Yachiru: Poor Snowball.

Pie: *laughing ass off* Snow_boob_.


	7. I'M GOING THROUGH POVERTY, DAMMIT!

Hitsugaya woke up to a bald old man with an ugly resemblance towards an egg staring at him. We're sure that you would have screamed too-the face really was that ugly. Unfortunately, that only added to his offence in Yamamoto's eyes. Really, and here he thought that Ice Prodigy was the only sane one of Gotei 13's Captains. But letting your Lieutenant spend all of the Squads money…that was just overboard. Grumbling like an old man-wait, he was an old man, the bearded dude sighed.

"Would you care to explain how your Lieutenant managed to spend all your Squad's money? You know that she needs a Captain's signature in order to touch even a cent," Yamamoto demanded. This is Hitsugaya's brain: o.0. Perhaps he hadn't heard right. There was no possible way that Matsumoto could forge his signature, with her messy (read: bird's nest) handwriting. Unless…she had somehow traced his old papers! In that case, the only solution was to ask Kurotsuchi, who usually kept a tab on Soul Society's events (read: stalker) to give the scary old man the clip on his office. Which wasn't really very practical, as the clown would probably demand to experiment on Hyorinmaru in exchange. He was not about to let the crazed pseudo-Egyptian Sphinx experiment on his Zanpakuto. At that moment, Hyorinmaru decided to pitch in.

"You know, master," he said in Hitsugaya's brain (LOL…I hear voices), "maybe you should give me to Kurotsuchi. I mean, really, it's so boring to be stuck as a dragon all the time!"

Poor Hitsugaya sighed. As if he didn't have enough plaguing his mind. Now his Zanpakuto was tired of its form.

"And whose fault is that?" Hyorinmaru inquired. Hitsugaya ignored him. The stupid ice dragon could go melt for all he cared; it would be more helpful than interrupting his train of thought. At that moment, he remembered that the Soutaicho was still there, and awaiting a much due explanation for the bankruptcy of Division Ten. He wondered if he should just suck up to the fat old man, and hope to gain leniency. Instead, he found he didn't have to.

"Well," Yamamoto grouched, "it probably wasn't your fault. Heaven knows Matsumoto spends too much money. So, I will make you punishment less severe." Heaving a sigh of relief, Hitsugaya wondered what it would be. Community work for a month?

"Your punishment is to help rebuild the Eleventh Division, and house them until their barracks are redone."

"!" was heard everywhere. A strawberry looked up from shining his overlarge sword with shoe oil, something Zangetsu and Ogihci (Ichigo backwards, in other words, his Hollow) had developed a taste for. He shook his head pityingly. Poor Hitsugaya.

A/N: Well, did you like it? Review! Sorry we don't update as much—we have the chapters, we just forget to update :)

Parody Thingy:

Pie: If you were in the Hunger Games, what would your strategy be?

Hitsugaya: (because he's just awesome like that and has read the Hunger Games) Freeze everyone.

Pie: *twitching* No weapons acquired beforehand in the arena.

Demon-Pixie: Yeah, Hitsugaya. I thought you were a genius. Apparently, you missed the part where they took Glimmer's ring because it was poisonous.

Hitsugaya: Fine. I'd just wait and hope it has ice in it.

Pie: Um…that's 10%. Didn't you read the part where they usually don't do that anymore since half the contestants froze to death? Shouldn't you do something like either join the Careers and backstab them, or wait it out?

Demon-Pixie: You could even set traps by the water sources and hope you kill someone.

Hitsugaya:…since you two are so smart, why don't you go test your theories out yourself?

Pie: *sigh* I thought we taught you better than that, _Shiro-chan_. You see, we're not dumb enough to leap into an arena where anything goes and only one person survives (unless you the star-crossed lovers from District 12).

Demon-Pixie: We'd much rather manipulate someone to do it for us. *smirk*

Well, that ends our Hunger Games discussion. If you want to, you may submit your strategy. Look forward to a Hunger Games and another Naruto fanfiction from us soon.


	8. Cow Eyes

It was hell. It was absolute _hell_. Not that Hitsugaya knew what hell was like, but it couldn't be much worse. At first, they had the decency to behave themselves. Hitsugaya had let his guard down. Then, when they became familiar with their surroundings, they had drinking parties with Matsumoto everyday. At least they had the decency not to use his budget this time. Even that was little comfort to the aggravated Chibi Taicho of Squad Ten. Everyday, every _fucking_ day, he had to deal with the little pink bundle of horror.

Like just this morning, for example, Yachiru had taken it upon herself to put his hair in cornbraids when he was asleep. Hitsugaya looked absolutely terrible in anything but his usual gravity defying hair. By the time the cornbraids had been taken out, his hair was completely ruined by the frizzy, corkscrew, curls that the braids of doom had put in.

And the morning before that, he had received a complete makeover.

That and the fact that he now had to assign his very unwilling subordinates to clean the office and barracks when they could be out killing hollows and performing soul burial (it absolutely infuriated them) made for a very, very, bad day. Not that he ever had any good days with Matsumoto and the pink haired wonder around. _The horrible pink hair that haunted him wherever he went…_

Not to mention the fact that Yachiru seemed to be in the middle of a growth spurt, and would often use her new height to reach things she shouldn't touch, like his journal, paperwork, and others. It was very…annoying.

"Ne, Shiro-chan," the pink haired nuisance said, pouting (she had been hanging around Momo too much), "how come you never want to play with me?"

The aforementioned 'Shiro-chan' scowled like a true Kurosaki Ichigo look-a-like. He couldn't very well tell a girl to 'fuck off' could he? Not to mention the girl was under the protection of the strongest Kenpachi ever. So he forced the twitching of his eyebrows to stop and tried to answer cordially.

"I'm busy with work," he said. Yeah. Busy signing the paperwork needed to rebuild the Eleventh Division. Which, he thought darkly, he would not even have to touch in the first place if the idiots had not been too busy 'training' to sign it. Of course, that lead back to the fact that none of the morons that made up the most blood thirsty division had noticed the damned division burning down in the first place. Hitsugaya was pretty sure that it was impossible to burn Reiatsu packed wood. From what he had heard, the fire spread very slowly, and you could put it out whenever you wanted to.

However, he was proven wrong. The day of the fire, the entire Eleventh Division was having what they called a 'Game Day', which composed of competitors battling until they needed heavy medical treatment from Unohana Retsu herself.

"But Ken-chan's playing with Ichi, Jiggles-chan is with Glasses-chan, and Robot-chan's helping Clown-Face!" she pouted, making cow eyes.

Hitsugaya blinked at the cuteness. If he was weak against anything, it was cow eyes. It wasn't puppy eyes; he absolutely _hated_ puppy eyes. Personally, he thought that they made the person making them look totally abhorrent, whatever everyone else might think. However, cow eyes were adorable. Don't look at them, Hitsugaya, he told himself. In head mindscape somewhere, he could hear the distant laughs of Hyorinmaru. Filthy traitor. See if he didn't turn that wretched Zanpakuto in to 'Clown-Face' after this.

Once again, his eyes were drawn back to the large pair of chocolate cow eyes, swirling with tears.

"Absolutely not," he snapped. If possible, Yachiru's eyes got even wider and more endearing. She's a total nuisance, he reminded himself. To his growing trepidation, it did not affect the weakening of his resolve. Oh come on, the now panicked Hitsugaya thought to himself. How many times had she annoyed him just in this past month? How many times has she blackmailed him with setting her 'Ken-chan' on him?

One hour later…

"Remember to count to twenty!" Yachiru chirped happily as she skipped off. Damn it all. The Heavenly Guardian had just lost whatever dignity he had left.

"One, two, three, four," the enraged Captain started, gritting each word through his teeth as if it was one of the foul concoctions of the Fourth Division's Captain. Kami, why hadn't she used it on him before? Or did someone tell her his weakness?

Unbeknownst to them, a very smug Shinigami watched them. Oh, just wait until he published this!

A/N: Good? Bad? Tell us! We had much fun writing this.

Parody Thingy: An Interview with Matsumoto

Pie: So, Matsumoto-san, tell us a bit about yourself before you start.

Matsumoto: You can call me Rangiku-chan. I love the colors red, and pink. I'm a hopeless romantic, and my dearest ambition is to play matchmaker for my Taicho. I bet he's gonna grow up into a hell of a sexy mofo one day. My favorite food is dried persimmons, and my favorite drink is sake.

Pie: Thank you, Kiku-chan. Concerning a topic we're all interested about…

Matsumoto: Yes? I'll tell you whatever you want to know; I know all the gossip around here!

Pie: (Demon-Pixie isn't here; she's at Minnesota, fishing) Do you suspect anything between your Taicho and a certain pink-haired Fukutaicho?

Matsumoto: Of course I do! Yachiru-chan's growing up into a sexy woman, and Taicho's a hormonal teenage boy!

Pie: Ahh. Most interesting, Kiku-chan. I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Oh…shit.

Hitsugaya: *spewing angry red Reiatsu* Matsumoto. You. Are. Dead! Bankai!

Matsumoto: See you next time! *winks and poofs away*

Hitsugaya: GET BACK HERE, MATSUMOTO!


	9. Dig

Hitsugaya digged very deeply into his now empty pool of patience. All that his mental shovel met was rocks and sand. The strawberry-blonde buffoon that claimed to be his Lieutenant stood in front of his desk, her face propped up by a delicate hand. Another delicate hand was holding a newspaper. It was a newspaper published by Shuuhei, as usual. This time, it appeared to have some very interesting gossip. Apparently, the Tenth Division Captain had been spotted playing with the speedily maturing Yachiru.

If the Tenth Division Captain hadn't been him, Hitsugaya was sure that he'd indulge as well.

Unfortunately, that was not the case as he had signed those damned papers that bound him to his office until he either died or received permission to retire. The Gotei 13 was short of Captains. Hitsugaya would be stuck for the rest of his short, unhappy life. How lovely. His left eye twitched sporadically.

"Matsumoto…would you mind explaining a few things?" he asked in a forced voice. Seeming to sense danger, the Lieutenant jumped, straightening her posture as if a mad axe wielder was about to clobber her on the head until whatever brains she possessed fell out. And then he'd probably eat it, she mused. That is, she mused until she realized that her Captain was still glaring at her.

"Not at all Taicho," she said, smiling nervously. There was a long, long pause and it was more horrible than her Captain yelling at her, screaming obscenities because she could see the evil gears turning in his prodigy mind…

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" Hitsugaya screamed as if in mortal agony.

On the newspaper read:

**PLAYMATES OR **_**PLAY**_** MATES? **

Attention to all faithful fangirls of the prodigious Tenth Captain: he has now been snagged by the vivacious Fukutaicho of the Eleventh (still not sure if Kenpachi approves, we shall post his answer in the next article).

Earlier this week, Kusajishi Yachiru and Hitsugaya Toshiro were spotted playing a very enthusiastic game of tag. At least, that's what it looked to innocent eyes. However, their frolics were anything but. Matsumoto Rangiku, a tall, strawberry-blonde woman, and the Fukutaicho to Hitsugaya Toshiro, has kindly informed us of the implications that we were unaware of.

'Oh, I know it's innocent enough,' says the sparkling Matsumoto, 'but there's a beautiful love blossoming between Yachiru and Taicho. I for one, know that they are indulging in quite a different play when the game ends. I look forward to the wedding, and please let Taicho know that I can plan it!'

She certainly seems happy about this pairing, but Zaraki Kenpachi will have something different to say, we're sure. However, let's take a look at an interview with Yachiru, one of the star crossed lovers herself.

'I know! Snowball's so fun to play with!' says an energetic Yachiru when asked the question 'you have fun with Hitsugaya Toshiro, correct?'

And there you have it, all of the rumors confirmed. It's almost sickeningly cute; they have come up with pet names for each other. What do you suppose Hitsugaya Toshiro calls Yachiru?

'Well, I'm not so sure, but I believe it will be somewhere along the lines of 'Mrs. Hitsugaya' because I'm sure that underneath the cool cover, Taicho is incredibly kinky,' answers Matsumoto proudly.

As a fellow officer, I wish happiness for Yachiru and Hitsugaya-taicho. Let's hope they invite all of us to the upcoming wedding!

-_Hisagi Shuuhei, publisher and head researcher of Soul Society News, Ninth Division Fukutaicho_

By now, Matsumoto looked quite scared. Perhaps she really shouldn't have said so much in her interview with Shuuhei, she admitted grudgingly, but she really couldn't help it! The two looked so cute together, she just had to give them a push in the correct direction. All her efforts were repaid with two large, glaring teal eyes and her rebellion plotting boobs almost strangling her as she shunpoed all around Seireitei to avoid the wrath of her angry Taicho. Really, what she'd done wasn't so bad.

As if sensing her thoughts, Hitsugaya was now more enraged than ever. Kenpachi had been after him ever since he'd been dubbed 'Sparring Partner', but now…

He wouldn't last a week after the demon's guardian read this shit.

I'm fucked, he thought miserably as he chased Matsumoto around, swinging Hyourinmaru and nearly disemboweling a few Shinigami on patrol duty.

At least there would never be a shortage of barbeque in Hell.

A/N: Good? Bad? You tell us! It was so fun writing that article!

Parody Thingy:

Shuuhei: Wow did you see my writing skills? I totally rocked! *gives big whoop*

Pie: Er, actually, you mean _my_ writing skills because I'm the one writing this story!

Shuuhei: Noooo, I wrote the article. You wrote that I did.

Pie: And I can write you pot bellied, bald, wrinkly, and many others. I can also delete you off the character list. You'll be stuck in a vast emptiness with the rest of the characters that I haven't used yet.

Shuuhei: …Fine.

Pie: That's what I thought.

Hitsugaya: *growls*

Demon-Pixie: LOLWUT?

Hitsugaya: You are talking calmly about planning my demise when I'm standing right here!

Demon-Pixie: Sounds about right!

Matsumoto: And now, I've been given the honor of closing today's Parody Thingy. The moment you've all been waiting for…

Hitsugaya/Yachiru forever!

Thx and bye!

*faint yells of DAMMIT MATSUMOTO*


	10. Kenpachi's Response

"Taicho, stop pacing! You're making _me_ nervous!" Matsumoto said. Hitsugaya didn't listen; he continued to wear a hole on the dusty floor of their hiding place. Deciding that Matsumoto was not important enough to tear him from his objective of drilling a hole into the ground with his sandals, he flipped her off. Yes. _The_ Hitsugaya Toshiro used a vulgar hand sign (be shocked). Like it wasn't her fault he was hiding in the first place. After that article, a certain bloodthirsty captain had been hot on his tail, forcing him into lurking in a hastily dug hole in the ground.

"Taicho, I'm going to catch hypothermia," Matsumoto whined. It was at that moment that Yachiru popped up. For some reason, Yachiru had been the only one with the privilege of knowing where the short captain was hiding…strategically regrouping. At least she provided him with food. Much less could be said about the alcoholic lieutenant who chose to sit in a corner and sulk. Really, it had been her idea to hide out with him in the first place. Hitsugaya believed that it was a half-assed way to try and repay him. It wasn't working. The temperature in the little makeshift cellar plummeted.

"Ahh, Snowball made a good freezer!" Yachiru chirped. By then, ice had begun to crawl up the walls that he had dug with Haineko (why would he use Hyorinmaru). Restraining himself so that the eye patch wearing sadist wouldn't sense his spiritual pressure, he helped Yachiru down into the 'freezer'. This time, she'd brought a wide variety of rice balls.

"I thought we could play a game," she said. Matsumoto perked up.

"What game?"

"Well, each of use takes one rice ball, and we eat it. We continue until someone gets the one with yucky fillings, and if you don't make a weird face or throw up, or spit it out, you win and get the paper." And here, she waved the paper in front of her. It was a newspaper. A newspaper with big, bold headlines that read 'Kenpachi's Violent Response'.

Once, Hinamori had asked Hitsugaya if she was fat. It was when they were living with Granny, and Hitsugaya, being the innocent little boy he was, told her that she was a bit plump. Of course, this was all very long ago, when Hinamori hadn't yet lost her baby fat. The end result was Hinamori pushing him into the nearby stream. Which was why Hitsugaya never told anyone how he lost his first tooth.

Now imagine that sort of pain, not in your tooth, but in your brain. That was how Hitsugaya felt. When he attempted to snatch the paper away from the pink haired miracle, Yachiru leapt away like a cat, landing on all fours. So he decided he had no choice but to eat the rice balls of doom, and hope he was the one to get the 'yucky filling'.

It turned out; he got the yucky filling on the first try. It was filled with garlic, crushed red pepper, ginger, and onions. His face turned completely blue as he swallowed and announced that he had had the disgusting rice ball. His reward was not a very good one, but it may contain crucial information to remaining alive, he told himself.

**Kenpachi's Violent Response**

In the end, we did not have to even step out of the HQ to interview Zaraki Kenpachi, guardian of Kusajishi Yachiru. In fact, anyone could hear his outburst unless he or she was buried underground (Hitsugaya's eyes twitched).

"WHY THAT FUCKING LITTLE FLEA! I'M GOING TO FUCKING SKEWER HIM! FUCK SPARRING PARTNER! I'M GONNA TURN HIM INTO FUCKING BARBEQUE AND THEN FEED HIM TO THE BOAR OF THE WEAK BARBARIAN!" Is an extract from his long rant. Whoever the 'weak barbarian' is, we recommend you stay far away from an eye patch wearing man, and keep your boar away from Seireitei.

However, this may be the end to all who wish well for the romance of Kusajishi Yachiru and Hitsugaya Toshiro. It is rumored that Hitsugaya Toshiro has gone into hiding, and Yachiru is the only one who knows where. Forced to sneak around Yachiru's overbearing father figure, will the two star-crossed lovers ever find happiness? Tune in next time for more updates.

-_ Hisagi Shuuhei, publisher and head researcher of Soul Society News, Ninth Division Fukutaicho _

Just as he'd finished reading, the door to their underground hideout burst open.

"FOUND YA, LITTLE FLEA!"

Fuck.

A/N: Good? Bad? You tell us! Yes, we did the get the rice ball idea from Fruits Basket.

Pie: Oh, I loves me the writing sadisty.

Demon-Pixie: Sadisty ain't no word.

Pie: Double negative equals a positive! Sadisty is now proclaimed a word.

Demon-Pixie:…fine.

Hisagi: My newspaper's getting more reviews than ever! Readers love the view on the star-crossed lovers!

Matsumoto: I hope Taicho's okay…Kenpachi doesn't look happy.

Pie: Oh, don't worry about him. Who says yes to bringing the humans in?

Demon-Pixie: Me!

Rukia: FINALLY!

Pie: You're just pissed you couldn't see _Ichigo-kun_ until now.

Demon-Pixie: Ohhhh look, she's got competition!

Orihime: Huh?

Rukia:…Pie, if you don't get rid of it, I swear on Chappy's underpants that I'll murder you!

Pie: Scary, scary *in sing song voice*! Ahhh naked Chappies! Ewwwwwwww!

Demon-Pixie: No way! It adds entertainment! Besides…(grins evilly at the plot turn coming up)

Rukia: I hate you two.

Orihime (still clueless): W-what?

Pie: I know! IchiRuki 4ever biatch!

Demon-Pixie:…*shivers* you sound scary when you talk like a fangirl…

Pie: Technically (Demon-Pixie: Oh god, here she goes), we _are_ fangirls since we're on this site.

Rukia: Bye!

Orihime: Review!


	11. Here Comes the Groom

It is mandatory for Captains to attend a Captains' meeting, henceforth the meeting being referred to as a Captains' meeting. It wouldn't be referred to as a Captains' meeting if it wasn't necessary for Captains to attend. No one but a Captain is permitted entrance to the meeting—except on special occasions. Like now, for example—Ichigo Kurosaki had died, graduated from the Academy in two months, and wished to become the Third's Captain. Apparently, he'd passed the test with flying colors, for Byakuya's face was still tinged green, and Soifon scowled every time something orange passed her eyes.

Hitsugaya sighed. Now that it was required for him to come out of his comfortable hole, he didn't want to. Steadily, the appeal of Yachiru's company had been increasing with her abundant vocabulary and quickly developing wits. Shockingly, she no longer bit like a rabid dog, and reluctantly agreed to calling Hitsugaya by his given name. His given name shortened by two letters.

"Toshi-kun!" Hitsugaya winced. Perhaps he'd have done better to let the child (who was now the same height as him) call him Snowball.

"Yes, Yachiru?" She'd demanded to be called Chiru-chan as an endearment equal to Toshi-kun. In the end, they'd compromised. To his horror, 'Yachiru' was now fluently flowing off his tongue as if it was the sole purpose the pink slimy thing existed. Maybe it was just the fact he'd been hiding for weeks with only Yachiru (and occasionally Matsumoto) for company. His head was addled by the dust. That must have been it.

"Are you going to the meeting? All the Lieutenants were asked to come too," Yachiru said. Closing his eyes in frustration, Hitsugaya let himself be dragged out by Yachiru. His leg was still broken from the last hideout incident when Kenpachi found him. Most either believed him dead, barely surviving, or pulverized. Sadly, the popular dream for Yachiru/Hitsugaya was over. Or so he thought, the poor deluded soul.

Spectators turned from the procession of Ichigo Kurosaki and his friends to the unruly sight of Hitsugaya, who was using Yachiru as a pillar of support for his broken leg. The strawberry's face lit up, causing an extremely strange combination of shoulder length orange hair, twinkling amber eyes, and a wacky smile on the oddly serious face. People turned back and forth between the two spectacles, and couldn't decide which one was better. In the midst of it all, Rukia Kuchiki somehow appeared out of nowhere just as the fan girls began squealing like pigs ready for slaughter.

Let's just say they were never heard from again.

"TOSHIRO? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" Ichigo yelled as he finally released Rukia form their embrace. Rukia punched him for being loud, which caused a rather loud explosion of cuss words.

"WHY YOU FUCKING MIDGET! I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY MISSED YOUR SHITTY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!"

"YOU STUPID OVERGROWN FRUIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE I THOUGHT YOU GREW UP!"

"I DID GROW UP, WELL, COMPARED TO YOUR SHORTNESS!"

"I. AM. NOT. SHORT!"

"YES YOU ARE!"

"NOT!"

"ARE!"

"WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?" Hitsugaya shrieked when his sensitive eardrums could take no more angry vibrations. Confused once again by the sight of Hitsugaya (his clothes all wrinkled) with a Yachiru with long hair who could be mistaken for thirteen (and she was wrinkled too by Hitsugaya leaning on her for a crutch). Hastily explaining the situation to him lest he offend the couple, the Strawberry's eyes widened with comprehension.

"Congratulations, Toshiro. I hope you and Yachiru live happy afterlives." This, of course, caused another onslaught of rumors.

"What? They already eloped?"

"Aren't they a bit young?"

"Love is never to young!"

"HERE COMES THE GROOM!" a person yelled randomly, causing much laughter. Daunted by the intensity of the mood, Hitsugaya finally gave up trying to remedy the situation and curled up into a ball on the ground, utterly miserable.

"It seems your boyfriend's a bit shy!" a random fifth squad member said to Yachiru conversationally.

"Hm, maybe it's got something to do with the fact that you're crowding him," Yachiru pointed out rather intelligently. She didn't bother telling them he wasn't her boyfriend, for she firmly believed that boyfriend referred to a friend who was a boy.

Once again, in the background, there was a spiky haired shadow that took pictures and careful notes. A person whose tattoo made the strawberry crack up for various perverted reasons.

A person who had a magazine that was about to spread _more_ scandalizing rumors.

Hisagi Shuuhei. And he was very happy indeed until suddenly, a dark shadow loomed above him.

"Hisagi Shuuhei," gritted a very angry Kenpachi, which never signified any good, "are you the one publishing the false magazines about Yachiru and the midget Captain?"

Too nervous to lie or to even speak, Hisagi nodded uncertainly, trying fruitlessly not to wonder what was going to happen to him. Suddenly, Kenpachi burst into a huge grin that showed off his scarred face, highlighting the missing flesh of his many wounds.

Hisagi grimaced.

"Keep me posted on them. If Hitsugaya can survive me, he can survive Yachiru."

At that point Hisagi fainted.

A/N: Yes, this means that Kenpachi is challenging Toshiro to a duel. Didn't we say we'd enter the Ryoka? Well, we've just entered the Strawberry, but there will be more action later, we promise.

Parody Thingy: An Entry in Pie's Diary

Un-dear red silk binding that holds fibrous pages,

OMGEEE! Guess what, guess what, guess what? You'll never guess it? Never, never, never, never, never!

Because you're a book.

I'm talking to a book.

Woe is me.

I feel emo now.

QUINCY ARCHER HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS YOUUUUUUUUUU!

Pwned.

Anyways, I went to a carnival. It was fun. I went bobbing for apples and spilled the whole tub. Well, at least I wasn't wearing white. Now my mom's beloved car (sometimes, I think she loves that car more than she loves life) has a soggy seat. HA! TAKE THAT, YOU NAGGY OLD MOM!

Oh, dinner's ready. Chicken salad with pecan, olives, bacon bits, and pomegranate sauce.

I smell chrysanthemum tea. Yay!

-Me

Demon-Pixie: Well, that was interesting. A look into Pie's demented spazz mind.

Pie: I. AM. NOT. A. SPAZZ! *Does: The Spazzy Offended Dance*

Demon-Pixie: Right. And remember how you nearly ran over this random popular guy that so happens to be your crush doing the Happy Spazz-Spazz dance?

Pie: Don't remind me. *emo corner*

Demon-Pixie: Point proven. *smirks*

Pie: Rukia, do the honors.

Rukia: Pie and Demon-Pixie do not own Bleach; they just write fanfiction. However, if Tite Kurbo is willing to sell it, they might buy it. Also: ICHIGO FLIPPING KUROSAKI BELONGS TO ME, ORIHIME!

Orihime: Huh?


	12. Congratulations and Ishihime

"I now declare this meeting in—"

"RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN, CARROT!"

"ANYTIME, YOU—"

"Kurosaki Ichigo—"

"SHUT UP, PRETTY BOY!"

"YOU HEARD HIM, BYAKUYA!"

"_Ichigo…_"

Let's backtrack a bit. As poor 'Toshi-kun' still could not use his legs from the fight with a certain volatile man that considered bells fashionable hair accessories, Yachiru had kindly offered her humble services in being a human support, causing all other Fukutaicho and Ryoka (and one angry Quincy) to be invited. In other words, most of the characters (minus the Hueco Mundo bunch) were gathered in a small room. Reiastu and testosterone levels were running high, and Yamamoto was approaching his limit. Rukia, the recently promoted Fukutaicho of the 13th had the Third Captain in a headlock, ignoring the curses spewing out from his mouth. Kenpachi stared impassively.

"Show some more control over your woman, Carrot," he scoffed. By Toshiro's side, Yachiru cheered wildly.

"Listen to Ken-chan, Ichi!" she sang. The tick mark on Hitsugaya's face grew larger and larger…

"Ah, would you like some candy?" Ukitake asked politely, pulling a large back of Christmas colored cellophane covered sweets out of nowhere.

"No," Hitsugaya growled. The Thirteenth Captain didn't even look phased—he managed to look both slightly amused and enveloped in nostalgic feelings at the same time.

"Young love," he sighed. "How long ago it was for me…"

"A-ano, everyone…let's all be friendly," Hinamori suggested timidly, hiding behind Izuru in fear of injuries. Izuru, as happy as he was when Hinamori noticed him, felt regret that many powerful Shinigami were now staring at him with intense killing intent.

"Would you look at that, my sweet Nanao-chan~! It's like one huge lovers' spat!" Kyouraku sang happily. His only response was a heavy dictionary on the laws of the Shinigami dropped on his head.

"Ah, my sweet Nanao-chan~! How cruel she is to this poor man basking in her beauty!" the flamboyant captain sighed.

"Is that supposed to be a pick up line, Shunsui?" Matsumoto questioned, straining to hold her laughter in.

"Rangiku!" Nanao exclaimed, blushing scarlet.

"Boobs," Kon sighed.

In the midst of it all, a certain effeminate Quincy was getting seriously pissed. He took his time though, because usually, the Shinigami would have settled it by now. But now he could take no more as Orihime gazed concerned at the orange haired soon to be Captain that was now being used to sharpen Sode no Shirayuki.

"U-um, Kuchiki-san…Kurosaki-kun's bleeding a lot."

Ishida snapped.

"ISHIHIME!" he screamed to the sky.

The commotion stopped. Slowly, everyone turned to look at the usually reserved Quincy. The last Quincy. The Hoity-Toity Holier Than Thou Quincy.

"Ishida?" Ichigo said.

"Yes, Kurosaki?" the Quincy said evenly.

"Do you like Inoue?"

A spurt of blood gushed from Ishida's nostril.

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?"

And so the fighting resumed, and Ichigo's ascent to Captain-hood was forever remembered.

"Toshi-kun," Yachiru said. Seeming to peer out of a deep pool of angsty thoughts, Hitsugaya scowled.

"What?"

"Is Ishi-hack-a-loogie gonna be okay?"

"That depends, Yachiru."

"Oh. Okay then. Let's go get some dango!"

A/N: Dui bu chi! We didn't update for such a long time! You probably all hate us now…

Parody Thingy:

Yachiru: Speaking of Ishi-hack-a-loogie, why'd his nose bleed?

Pie: Because he was thinking—

Toshiro: *covers Pie's mouth* Don't you dare finish that sentence—AHH YOU LICKED ME YOU PSYCHO!

Pie: Why yes, yes I did. You taste okay, but not as nice as Kevin.

Toshiro: I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GET UP TO, YOU SICK WOMAN!

Demon-Pixie:…no comment.

Yachiru: What do they get up to?

Pie: Well you see, Yachiru, Kevin and I kiss!

Yachiru: What's a kiss?

Toshiro: DAMMIT! DON'T CORRUPT YACHIRU!

Demon-Pixie: What's this? Protective boyfriend you are…Yoda I am!

Pie: Wisecrack you are. Now shut up. A kiss is something you give someone very special.

Yachiru:…Oh. Does that mean I should kiss Toshi-kun?

Toshiro: GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

See you next time!


	13. Shopping and Cheating

If there was anything Hitsugaya Toshiro hated, it was shopping. If there was anything that Hitsugaya Toshiro hated _more_ than shopping, it was Christmas shopping with Rangiku in the Real World. Hell, he'd even take Yachiru over this. (Something he seemed to be saying a lot lately, but then again, it could have been his wretched life)

A Santa hat perched askew on his head, probably going to give him all sorts of static later. Whenever he moved, the hat jingled. It didn't help that his hair was naturally white, which had made Rangiku shove him into a matching suite. The damned woman walked besides him in her gaudy green elf outfit, attracting many unwanted stares.

"Is that your child?" someone had asked Rangiku.

"Yes," Rangiku had answered at the same time Hitsugaya shouted 'no.'

And even worse:

"Is that your boyfriend?"

Luckily, they did not have to answer that question as the curious pedestrian had been scared off by the icy aura that seemed to radiate from Matsumoto's 'boyfriend'.

Resisting the urge to turn the whole area into an ice rink had never been so difficult and it gnawed at him until he was ready to commit suicide. What with Matsumoto pestering him for opinions of what color looked best on someone he didn't even _speak to_, the gaggle of curious humans, and—

A flash of red.

Moments later, Karin Kurosaki stood in front of him, complete with the ever present red baseball cap—which looked extremely odd, considering the fact that she was wearing a designer sweater—which looked even _odder_, if possible, because she accessorized with a belt made of banded skulls.

Self conscious, Hitsugaya tugged on his Santa hat.

_It'sjustawigit'sjustawig—_

"T-Toshiro!"

At that moment, Hitsugaya didn't care how very _important_ Kurosaki was to Gotei 13; hell, fuck important. He'd show the Captain Commander just how _important_ Kurosaki was after he personally shoved Zangetsu up the Strawberry's ass. All that just for teaching Karin how to respond to meeting a respected (finally 5 foot) Captain. For one, the lack of respect (IT'S HITSUGAYA-TAICHO, DAMMIT! I. AM. NOT. A. CHIBI!). For another…she was what…almost as tall as Matsumoto? (He hadn't even known that could happen with women who weren't Isane)

And the next thing the _chibi_—I. AM. NOT. A. CHIBI!—knew, he was pulled into a bone-crushing hug that could rival Matsumoto's.

Wasn't soccer only supposed to strengthen legs, damn it? Or did Karin change positions from center to goalie?

Then of all things, the weird human started _crying_. It was—

"—AND BEAT THAT GODDAMN BROTHER OF MINE UP!"

Just as he was about to reply with 'Oh, I know what you feel. You see, Kurosaki not only disrespects my image as a Captain, he also has the nerve to use my desk—my _desk_!—as a prop for him to kiss Kuchiki!' Matsumoto began shouting.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

For a horrible, horrible moment, Hitsugaya thought she was referring to him not being able to beat up the damned carrot. But that was easy enough to get around; he could always just kill him—not the same as beating up, you see. (Part of Toshiro-kun's sanity is gone from hanging around Yachiru-chan too much)

And horror of horrors, after Matsumoto chewed out Karin in such loud tones that Hitsugaya went temporarily deaf (or maybe he was just blocking out the horrendous idea suggested), she turned to him, her periwinkle eyes filled with tears.

"Eh?" Hitsugaya asked.

"HOW COULD YOU!"

That was _not _expected.

"POOR YACHIRU-CHAN AND YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH AND YOU DISCARD HER AS SOON AS YOU MEET ANOTHER GIRL?"

Hang on a second…

"HOW DARE YOU BE UNFAITHFUL! I TAUGHT YOU BETTER!"

He couldn't get a word in edgewise, much less explain to Matsumoto what he and Karin were just acquaintances drawn together by hate of carrots (it was the girl that called him an elementary student, after all) and—YACHIRU AND HIM WEREN'T DATING, DAMMIT! Like there was any way he'd date the pink haired horror, the demon child, the—

"Now," Matsumoto said in an almost motherly tone, and Hitsugaya shuddered, "I want you to go to your room, sit there, and think over what you've done. Orihime-chan will bring up the supper, and until then, you are not to put one hair outside that room, you understand, young man? If I find you've disobeyed me—and believe me, I _will_—you are never to call yourself a full man again. EVER!"

Then he was seized by the back of his Santa suite collar and thrown with miraculous aim through the open window of the guest room which he occupied.

A/N: Merry late Christmas! Sorry we're late with this stuff! You still love us, don't you?

Parody Thingy:

Demon-Pixie: I believe we've outdone ourselves.

Pie: Definitely—hey, remember that time in English, and Kev was like 'I defiantly will win!'

Kevin:…why am I on this?

Pie: Because you love me.

Demon-Pixie: be reasonable! There are children—

Kevin: Yeah, yeah. And that was a set up! I swear, if Whitney hadn't told me it was proper grammar, I wouldn't have!

Pie: Yet somehow, you managed to get into eleventh grade English (we're freshmen).

Kevin: I can be smart!

Pie: I am a pillow.

Kevin: Yes you are.

Demon-Pixie: Hello? I'm still here!

Pie: *coughs* Anyways, Parody Thingy, commence!

Blank stares.

Hitsugaya: the omake time is ending. You spent too much time flirting.

Pie and Kevin: YOU CALL _THAT_ FLIRTING?

All Others: If you can count looking at each other like a pair of lovestruck teenagers—

Pie and Kevin: BUT WE—

*camera goes static*


	14. The Ponderings of the Second Yachiru

Hitsugaya paced the room, bored out of his mind. He didn't deserve to be locked in a room like a misbehaving child, damn it, because he was NOT misbehaving, or a child. Besides, children don't go out. Teenagers and Adults did. Therefore, he was not a child and Matsumoto's point was false.

Now that he had sorted that point out, Hitsugaya was left in boredom once again. Hyorinmaru was taking a vacation (trying to talk to Sode no Shirayuki about a snowstorm but actually avoiding Haineko and Tobiume) so he was the only one occupying his head. Maybe even an Inner Hollow like that damned carrot had would be welcome.

He pondered the merits of that for a while, but eventually realized that the carrot's mindset was hazardous to any and all around him, causing not only the eleventh division to run wildly in hunt of him, but also the sixth division's captain to mutter curse words under his breath every time he saw his precious younger sister and the aforementioned carrot kiss. Which, of course, wouldn't cause him so much satisfaction if he hadn't had to purchase a lock in fear of the said couple AHEMING on his desk.

But Hitsugaya really had nothing against them, he really didn't. It was just that he was reaching his boiling point, and soon, he would explode and decimate Soul Society if that wretched pink hair that started the whole thing wouldn't leave him alone. But of course, she was always there, either lurking in the dark recesses of his mind where fearful things that scared Hitsugaya crouched, or latching onto him in real life and causing untrue speculations.

It was precisely at that moment that the Inoue Apartment fire alarm went off.

And so, Hitsugaya, the ever obliging captain, filed dutifully out of the house along with The Second Yachiru.

After having persistently bugged him to try one of her newest concoctions, Orihime didn't know what to do anymore. The boy would not cheer up. Orihime supposed this was due to Yachiru finding out about him double-timing her, which Orihime was sure was a mistake. After all, Toshiro-kun was a sweet little boy, and Yachiru-chan and him were so cute together!

She frowned, puzzled. Ever since she'd come back from Soul Society, she'd wanted to go back. Many of her friends were there, and even some of her human ones visited more frequently than she did. However, she did visit frequently enough to pick up on some things.

And so, Orihime, the Notorious Cook plotted. And what she cook up was far worse than her worst concoctions yet.

Yachiru sneezed on her Ken-chan's shoulders, her pink hair threatening to come loose of its ponytail.

"What's wrong, Yachiru?" Kenpachi asked, running in the wrong direction yet again.

"Nothing," Yachiru replied mysteriously. Ikkaku snorted and Yumichika sighed.

If only nothing was wrong.

A/N: Not a lot of dialogue in the chapter, but it is a transition. We've got lots of inspiration for later though (evil grins).

Parody Thingy:

Pie: Oh! I've been enlightened! (claps hands in joy)

Orihime: You're welcome! It's just that I've never taught anyone my special recipe before, but I must say, you do have quite the artistic talent! It looks AMAZING!

Pie: And it tastes _so_ GOOD! (Pie's taste buds are messed up due to her horrible cooking because she cooks just as bad as Orihime; but don't tell her that) (and her food always looks good because she can seriously does have artistic talent)

Renji: This looks good (stares greedily at plate of decorated cookies)

Pie: Have them all! I'm so proud of myself! And look, they have little flower patterns in the topping!

Renji: (takes one) Thank (gags and throws up)

Pie: (tears) That's so rude! I spent two whole days learning from Orihime and another one cooking them! (sobs uncontrollably)

The cookies' dough included wasabi and red bean paste…mixed together. The topping was in the shape of a rose, but was also made of wasabi.

This Parody was written when Pie was at a track meet…please don't tell her! Let's hope she doesn't slaughter this Pixie, ne?


	15. A Forray into the Mind of a Yachiru

When you're Yachiru, there was one thing that your life was centered on, and that was sugar. And that one thing was also annoying the most convenient target, because if you were Yachiru, you also couldn't count beyond Ikkaku's bald head. Ikkaku's bald head took the place of zero, and infinity. But what was the most convenient target then? Hitsugaya Toshiro, of course.

Yachiru wasn't sure how it had started. She vaguely remembered something about the Eleventh Squad barracks burning down. Or had it been when she had first become a fukutaicho?

You see, the thing with Yachiru was that she didn't really remember anymore. She just knew that it had been since forever.

"Oh my Kami!" Yumichika gasped in horror as he stared at the pink haired demon, who was now deep in thought. Ikkaku looked over. Usually, nothing could spur the self-styled Most Beautiful Man of Soul Society to react in so ugly a way.

"What's the matter, Yumichika?"

"T-the devil! I-it looks like it's actually thinking!"

"SHIT! THE APOCALYPSE'S GONNA HAPPEN!"

And Hisagi Shuuhei, hiding in the bushes, smirked.

* * *

_**ALERT! THE NEWS OF HITSUGAYA TOSHIRO'S UNFAITHFUL ATTITUDE HAS LEFT KUSAJISHI YACHIRU HEARTBROKEN!**_

_-brought to you by Hisagi Shuuhei_

_The whirlwind romance of Yachiru and Toshiro was all that we have been talking of for weeks in Soul Society. However, astonishing news, brought to you by your ever faithful writer, Fukutaicho Hisagi Shuuhei of the Ninth Division; just this week, we may be witnessing the end!_

_Recent knowledge has been reported by Fukutaicho Matsumoto Rangiku of Division Ten, as a concerned mother figure of her infinitesimal ward._

"_Taicho hugged Kurosaki Karin!" sobbed the heartbroken Matsumoto-san. Your reporter also interviewed Karin herself._

"_Well yeah, we're friends. Friends hug." Do you believe her? Also interviewed was Yachiru._

"_..." _

_Ikkaku-san and Yumechika-san have revealed that Yachiru has been having morose moods as of late. This is an astonishing development, and may not bode well for our favorite couple. Most of all, it does not bode well for Toshiro. Toshiro, if you are reading this, stop your fickle behavior at once. _

"_OR I'LL WRING YOUR NECK YOU FUCKING FLEA!" This, of course, was Kenpachi._

* * *

The Second Yachiru—I mean Orihime glared at the offensive article. There was no way. These people just didn't understand! Shuuhei didn't understand obviously, either. Toshiro-kun was the nicest kid there was. So she'd pulled the fire alarm on her own apartment. Then she'd gone straight to Urahara and asked him to lock Toshiro and Yachiru together in that large underground room that he had.

So far, it appeared as if the plan was working.

* * *

"So, Yachiru," Hitsugaya said, gritting his teeth, "how have you been?"

Yachiru smiled sagely.

"I've been dead."

Smartass.

"Is that so?" Hitsugaya muttered sarcastically. Yachiru made no response and continued to smile sagely at him.

Suddenly the ground was very interesting.

"Do you think we can bust out?"

"Probably not," Yachiru replied, unworried. She liked spending time with Toshi-chan anyways. Lately though, she seemed to be getting weird. Today most of all, she felt quiet. And especially with Toshi-chan. She liked being more quiet with him, since it seemed to annoy him when she wasn't. Then again, he was funny to annoy.

Hitsugaya sighed. He knew it already, anyhow. The place was locked, had no ladder out, and made of seki-seki.

"Ne, Toshi-chan."

"What is it?"

"Am I fat?"

"W-WHAT? WHERE DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT ONE?"

"Feather-chan told me I'll get fat if I keep eating like I do."

"Y-yumechika knows nothing." What was it with girls and fatness? Momo had asked it before, Matsumoto pestered him about it, and now this..._the pink devil cared about her appearance_. The one female that he knew that didn't care what she looked like had turned to the dark side. Somehow, he had to get her to stop it.

"Feather-chan knows everything," Yachiru said. "Well, almost everything. Ken-chan knows everything."

"Yumechika knows nothing," Hitsugaya repeated. Yachiru frowned.

"Feather-chan knows some stuff! Like pretty stuff."

And now they were back to appearance.

"_Feather-chan_," Hitsugaya adopted the term, deciding to sink to Yachiru's level, "knows nothing. Meanwhile, I, know everything. Thus, he knows nothing."

Yachiru gazed at him.

"Then why didn't you tell me how babies were made?"

Matsumoto looked up. Somewhere, her Taicho had screamed in agony. She looked back down at her half done hot pink nails. Well, it must have been her imagination.

There was no way Hitsugaya was going to give Yachiru the talk. No way. Not even if Matsumoto stopped being lazy.

"B-because..."

And the Second Yachiru—er, Inoue Orihime, nodded wisely. She had succeeded in her goal. Now it was time to phone Rangiku.

But what wasn't public knowledge was the fact that from that day on, Hitsugaya Toshiro started a campaign to restore Yachiru's original frame of mind.

* * *

A/N: sorry for the wait guys! We love you~

Pie: So...I've been thinking...

Demon-Pixie: dear kami...WHAT IS IT NOW?

Pie: …

Demon-Pixie: yes?

Pie: ...the sky is blue, isn't it?

Demon-Pixie: oh that. It's green.

Yachiru: no it's purple

Toshiro: ...I'm surrounded by idiots...


End file.
